MANIA?!?!

Here is another entry from my diary dated June 14th 2010....

So I feel great because today is the last day I plan to ever light or be around a spliff. I am going to light it and I managed to roll all my weed into one spliff. I am not in the least bit nervous. I actually feel a sense of excitement in the pit of my stomach and have the familiar presence of a smile in my cheeks. Although I am not currently smiling the feeling of happiness and calm linger. I am absolutely sure that it is time for a change. I feel great about my hair especially seeing Danielle yesterday and having her compliments rape my low self esteem with confidence. I deserve to be happy, I deserve more, I deserve this. Chrissy's proposal couldn't have come at a better time either (my cousin). It's time to challenge myself, see who I am and what I'm capable of. It's time to know me, the real me. I am here and ready now to live the life I've always wanted, but was too scared to hope for. To have the career I love and learn to dream beyond my reality, to see what could be instead of what is and make the impossible possible for me. I can't control the outcome of my life, but I can control my time, my energy and my commitments here on earth. What type of person do I want to be? How do I want to be remembered and what do I want them to say about me? It's time to embrace the fears and challenge myself to go beyond my scope and set my sights on the essence of hope!!!! I love me, I truly do and I know I'm blessed.... I've awakened as God is my witness, I've awakened and am here to stay. Take each day as they come and maximize my efforts to get things done... Here we go Project step up in two weeks!

Time to smoke and see how I feel or felt... I know I can do this I've been able to do what I thought I never could and haven't looked back. No smokes for me and now no more weed!!! If you're not happy then change something... I am! My self-worth and esteem... bye cigarettes, bye wigs, weave and self hatred, bye weed, MJ, Ganja, bye self-destructive behaviours and hello Better health, hello Self love and Acceptance, hello exercise, passion and creativity, hello ME!

This was one of those days where I was on top of the world and I tried to leak the happiness and confidence into my subconscious. Needless to say it worked at prolonging my happiness but depression came back as always.... She's such a Bitch!!!!


Thanks for stopping by....

XOXO

Hopeful 2day