INVISIBLE

This is another entry from my diary dated April 14th 2010....

I was a heavy into self medicating with Marijuana, which was actually self destructing as an influx of negative thoughts would penetrate my skull to the point where I would want to scream....

I used to see a counsellor at my school who was not experienced enough for someone like me, but I would often forget what I would want to talk about, so I would write down my topics. That's how this entry starts with a list of topics I had to discuss....

Topics to discuss
- friendships (I have none)
- unspoken anxiety
- feelings of inferiority
- no one will like me
- remain introverted (quite)
- this is out of character for me
- feel jealous of those who have friends
- resent new/other friends of my friends
- feel like I only need so many people in my life
- sabotage I leave people before they leave me

Pressures
- marriage
- kids
- future
- my bf (wasting time)

Voids
- I feel unfulfilled
- what do I want

"Don't trust people who don't have friends from the past."- quote from my cousin/best friend
That's me alright, I don't have any friends from high school. I'm not respected, people don't listen to me... I'm invisible.

Why I lose friends:

It's the way I handle the situation. I get so upset because of the pain and I mask it with anger and aggression. My doctor told me last Friday to be assertive and not aggressive. I struggle to decipher the two. I want HELP! I feel that it is these few issues that hold me back and I have never been aware of the ultimate culprit that manifests into so many other issues. I have feelings of inadequacy, fears, failure, abandonment, loneliness, emptiness the list is endless with negative conceptions. I'm embarrassed by them. When I look around it's obvious that I'm not the only one fucked up, but it's obvious that I have allowed it to consume me. I was frozen... I am frozen not able to move forward until I deal with my issues. But ultimately and purposefully I'm too busy/ preoccupied by life to deal with my problems. When will it end; the pressure sets in and here come the feelings. I don't mind their company, but they become all there is and everything and everyone else disappears. If they weren't so over barring, I would be humbled by their presence. I dunno, but I hope I can be fixed.

I want a partner, a friend, someone who's always there. I cry at the thought of love and romance. Will I get married and have children/ when will I get married and have children. Black marriages was something I never really thought of until now. When will I get married? People say your happiness comes from within. If you're not happy alone, you won't be happy with someone. I wouldn't know because I have NEVER been alone. I've always had a boyfriend since I was 15. Still, I argue, maybe that's not what I'm looking for. Maybe it's stability I need. I need a plan. I need a way to stop the panic, the wanting something different, the voids. Who am I? Why don't others focus on this the way I do? It's ALL I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

I want to leave my boyfriend because he is not what I want and never was. We're wasting our time. The girl out there for him is waiting to motivate him. I couldn't do it. I dunno....

The feelings came all of a sudden and I knew they would. What's my trigger? Exams? Friends? NO ABANDONMENT!!!!
My roommate moved out without telling me. My two new friends don't want anything to do with me and I tried really hard to make them like me. I did things for them I wouldn't do for myself... Why? Why does this happen?

My feelings are obvious. I'm a mental case, can someone help? I wanna know if I'm normal or if others think this way or the way I do. HELP ME!!!!!

I have come along way since this... HA! I mean my feelings aren't here right now, but they will come back... they always come back!

I'm supposed to be doing my paper. I got another extension until tomorrow at 5pm and I have like nothing done... lol!!! I'm hopeless sometimes... I mean I can do this no problem, just gotta focus!!!

Thanks for stopping by....

XOXO

Hopeful 2day