He left and so did any sign of a light. The tears are here and the ball has risen from the pit of my stomach into my throat. I am angry, sad, disappointed, furious, and all around shit fucked. I can't control it and you know what? I don't want to control it right now.... sometimes you have to give in. It's too much energy to fight and I'm exhausted. I hate the world and am ready to cuss out anyone who challenges my state.
BTW it's a record, I have not talked to anyone in quite some time, three days I think! I also had a great encounter with some BEOTCHES at the health food store for not giving me a refund on a product I didn't want. My boyfriend had just bought it like five minutes before and the Heffahs were like sorry no refunds. I was like aiight, "I'm comin down there and trust me you won't like it!" I had some crazy heating wrap on my head (looked like a towel) and I marched in there creating the biggest scene ever. I cussed and swore threw things and told them you just lost a hell of a lot of money. I returned all $70 worth of the products I bought the day before and drove across town to re-buy them at another location. Am I the only one who has to go out of their way to get back at someone whose treated me unfairly? I will walk through hell to get back at someone for doing me wrong. I'm telling you DON'T EFF WID ME!!! lol
I feel a little better, anger always knows how to kick depressions ass!!!!
Thanks for stopping by.....
XOXO
Hopeful (2destroy you!) 2day
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
WHO'S THE BADDEST BITCH!?!?
Me!
I thrive off of an argument. It doesn't make sense I know, but I love them. Give me a good old argument and I will fight till the death. I can go hours fighting with people, especially if I know them well. I go for the jugular, yea sure I regret it after, but not in the heat of the moment.
Case and Point
Caribana weekend, fighting with my cousin/best friend. She has daddy issues, so I called her an orphan and said "no wonder your parents don't love you, you're a bitch!"
Was I proud of myself...no (well a little because she cried), but did I convince myself that it was necessary? Hell yea I did!!!
Scenario 2
One of my good weed smoking friend, who has mommy, daddy, uncle, step daddy... all around family issues, got into an argument with me. So I said "Girl you need to work out your life and find a family before you bring any type of talks this way!"
To be honest it took a few months to regret this one...
The list is endless with my altercations. I've had a co-worker bust my windshield with his bare hands trying to kick my ass. I had my EX come to my parent's house and bust up their fountain and he was a Christian...my ass! I once 'accidentally' hit a girl with my car because she didn't move out of the way and when I stopped to see if she was alright her man and company were threatening to kick my ass, so naturally I got out the car and shouted "bring it on!". Mind you I'm 5'3, but those posers were scared out of their minds. lmfao I've had altercations with cops, teachers, bosses, co-workers, friends, family, basically any and everybody. Am I proud? Kinda...
I like knowing that people fear me slightly cause then they conform and do what I say. I can't help but find a bit of pleasure in having a bunch of servants. It's always short lived, still, I just replace them with new ones.
Am I only one who's like this?
Anyways....
Thanks for stopping by.... (even if you hate it!) =)
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
I thrive off of an argument. It doesn't make sense I know, but I love them. Give me a good old argument and I will fight till the death. I can go hours fighting with people, especially if I know them well. I go for the jugular, yea sure I regret it after, but not in the heat of the moment.
Case and Point
Caribana weekend, fighting with my cousin/best friend. She has daddy issues, so I called her an orphan and said "no wonder your parents don't love you, you're a bitch!"
Was I proud of myself...no (well a little because she cried), but did I convince myself that it was necessary? Hell yea I did!!!
Scenario 2
One of my good weed smoking friend, who has mommy, daddy, uncle, step daddy... all around family issues, got into an argument with me. So I said "Girl you need to work out your life and find a family before you bring any type of talks this way!"
To be honest it took a few months to regret this one...
The list is endless with my altercations. I've had a co-worker bust my windshield with his bare hands trying to kick my ass. I had my EX come to my parent's house and bust up their fountain and he was a Christian...my ass! I once 'accidentally' hit a girl with my car because she didn't move out of the way and when I stopped to see if she was alright her man and company were threatening to kick my ass, so naturally I got out the car and shouted "bring it on!". Mind you I'm 5'3, but those posers were scared out of their minds. lmfao I've had altercations with cops, teachers, bosses, co-workers, friends, family, basically any and everybody. Am I proud? Kinda...
I like knowing that people fear me slightly cause then they conform and do what I say. I can't help but find a bit of pleasure in having a bunch of servants. It's always short lived, still, I just replace them with new ones.
Am I only one who's like this?
Anyways....
Thanks for stopping by.... (even if you hate it!) =)
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
Monday, June 28, 2010
INVISIBLE
This is another entry from my diary dated April 14th 2010....
I was a heavy into self medicating with Marijuana, which was actually self destructing as an influx of negative thoughts would penetrate my skull to the point where I would want to scream....
I used to see a counsellor at my school who was not experienced enough for someone like me, but I would often forget what I would want to talk about, so I would write down my topics. That's how this entry starts with a list of topics I had to discuss....
Topics to discuss
- friendships (I have none)
- unspoken anxiety
- feelings of inferiority
- no one will like me
- remain introverted (quite)
- this is out of character for me
- feel jealous of those who have friends
- resent new/other friends of my friends
- feel like I only need so many people in my life
- sabotage I leave people before they leave me
Pressures
- marriage
- kids
- future
- my bf (wasting time)
Voids
- I feel unfulfilled
- what do I want
"Don't trust people who don't have friends from the past."- quote from my cousin/best friend
That's me alright, I don't have any friends from high school. I'm not respected, people don't listen to me... I'm invisible.
Why I lose friends:
It's the way I handle the situation. I get so upset because of the pain and I mask it with anger and aggression. My doctor told me last Friday to be assertive and not aggressive. I struggle to decipher the two. I want HELP! I feel that it is these few issues that hold me back and I have never been aware of the ultimate culprit that manifests into so many other issues. I have feelings of inadequacy, fears, failure, abandonment, loneliness, emptiness the list is endless with negative conceptions. I'm embarrassed by them. When I look around it's obvious that I'm not the only one fucked up, but it's obvious that I have allowed it to consume me. I was frozen... I am frozen not able to move forward until I deal with my issues. But ultimately and purposefully I'm too busy/ preoccupied by life to deal with my problems. When will it end; the pressure sets in and here come the feelings. I don't mind their company, but they become all there is and everything and everyone else disappears. If they weren't so over barring, I would be humbled by their presence. I dunno, but I hope I can be fixed.
I want a partner, a friend, someone who's always there. I cry at the thought of love and romance. Will I get married and have children/ when will I get married and have children. Black marriages was something I never really thought of until now. When will I get married? People say your happiness comes from within. If you're not happy alone, you won't be happy with someone. I wouldn't know because I have NEVER been alone. I've always had a boyfriend since I was 15. Still, I argue, maybe that's not what I'm looking for. Maybe it's stability I need. I need a plan. I need a way to stop the panic, the wanting something different, the voids. Who am I? Why don't others focus on this the way I do? It's ALL I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
I want to leave my boyfriend because he is not what I want and never was. We're wasting our time. The girl out there for him is waiting to motivate him. I couldn't do it. I dunno....
The feelings came all of a sudden and I knew they would. What's my trigger? Exams? Friends? NO ABANDONMENT!!!!
My roommate moved out without telling me. My two new friends don't want anything to do with me and I tried really hard to make them like me. I did things for them I wouldn't do for myself... Why? Why does this happen?
My feelings are obvious. I'm a mental case, can someone help? I wanna know if I'm normal or if others think this way or the way I do. HELP ME!!!!!
I have come along way since this... HA! I mean my feelings aren't here right now, but they will come back... they always come back!
I'm supposed to be doing my paper. I got another extension until tomorrow at 5pm and I have like nothing done... lol!!! I'm hopeless sometimes... I mean I can do this no problem, just gotta focus!!!
Thanks for stopping by....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
I was a heavy into self medicating with Marijuana, which was actually self destructing as an influx of negative thoughts would penetrate my skull to the point where I would want to scream....
I used to see a counsellor at my school who was not experienced enough for someone like me, but I would often forget what I would want to talk about, so I would write down my topics. That's how this entry starts with a list of topics I had to discuss....
Topics to discuss
- friendships (I have none)
- unspoken anxiety
- feelings of inferiority
- no one will like me
- remain introverted (quite)
- this is out of character for me
- feel jealous of those who have friends
- resent new/other friends of my friends
- feel like I only need so many people in my life
- sabotage I leave people before they leave me
Pressures
- marriage
- kids
- future
- my bf (wasting time)
Voids
- I feel unfulfilled
- what do I want
"Don't trust people who don't have friends from the past."- quote from my cousin/best friend
That's me alright, I don't have any friends from high school. I'm not respected, people don't listen to me... I'm invisible.
Why I lose friends:
It's the way I handle the situation. I get so upset because of the pain and I mask it with anger and aggression. My doctor told me last Friday to be assertive and not aggressive. I struggle to decipher the two. I want HELP! I feel that it is these few issues that hold me back and I have never been aware of the ultimate culprit that manifests into so many other issues. I have feelings of inadequacy, fears, failure, abandonment, loneliness, emptiness the list is endless with negative conceptions. I'm embarrassed by them. When I look around it's obvious that I'm not the only one fucked up, but it's obvious that I have allowed it to consume me. I was frozen... I am frozen not able to move forward until I deal with my issues. But ultimately and purposefully I'm too busy/ preoccupied by life to deal with my problems. When will it end; the pressure sets in and here come the feelings. I don't mind their company, but they become all there is and everything and everyone else disappears. If they weren't so over barring, I would be humbled by their presence. I dunno, but I hope I can be fixed.
I want a partner, a friend, someone who's always there. I cry at the thought of love and romance. Will I get married and have children/ when will I get married and have children. Black marriages was something I never really thought of until now. When will I get married? People say your happiness comes from within. If you're not happy alone, you won't be happy with someone. I wouldn't know because I have NEVER been alone. I've always had a boyfriend since I was 15. Still, I argue, maybe that's not what I'm looking for. Maybe it's stability I need. I need a plan. I need a way to stop the panic, the wanting something different, the voids. Who am I? Why don't others focus on this the way I do? It's ALL I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
I want to leave my boyfriend because he is not what I want and never was. We're wasting our time. The girl out there for him is waiting to motivate him. I couldn't do it. I dunno....
The feelings came all of a sudden and I knew they would. What's my trigger? Exams? Friends? NO ABANDONMENT!!!!
My roommate moved out without telling me. My two new friends don't want anything to do with me and I tried really hard to make them like me. I did things for them I wouldn't do for myself... Why? Why does this happen?
My feelings are obvious. I'm a mental case, can someone help? I wanna know if I'm normal or if others think this way or the way I do. HELP ME!!!!!
I have come along way since this... HA! I mean my feelings aren't here right now, but they will come back... they always come back!
I'm supposed to be doing my paper. I got another extension until tomorrow at 5pm and I have like nothing done... lol!!! I'm hopeless sometimes... I mean I can do this no problem, just gotta focus!!!
Thanks for stopping by....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS!!!!
I am always looking for reminders of how to be and stay positive. I know that what you think ends up being how you feel and ultimately what you get....
I came across these videos on Youtube and I try to watch them constantly along with other meditation videos... watch them and try the meditation and let me know what you think.
Affirmation, Emotional State Video...
Positive Hypnosis Video....
Everyone has some type of demon to battle in their minds, it's how you choose to cope with them that separates us all. Try these techniques and let me know how they work for you. Remember our minds are the most powerful things on earth.
Thanks for stopping by.....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
I came across these videos on Youtube and I try to watch them constantly along with other meditation videos... watch them and try the meditation and let me know what you think.
Affirmation, Emotional State Video...
Positive Hypnosis Video....
Everyone has some type of demon to battle in their minds, it's how you choose to cope with them that separates us all. Try these techniques and let me know how they work for you. Remember our minds are the most powerful things on earth.
Thanks for stopping by.....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
MEH......
Today is a blah day. I don't feel upset nor do I feel particularly happy. I'm pretty impartial to today, the sun isn't high in the sky as of yet, but it looks like it'll be hot. Yet, I am in no mood to venture outdoors. Yesterday my dog didn't even get a walk, which is really rare considering I take her out three times a day. I didn't do much yesterday. I had every intention of doing my work, but when I got to school the library was closed. It's apparently closed on Sundays during the summer. I came home and attempted to concentrate, but that never happened.
I don't understand why I'm not worried. I really should be because I worked so hard to achieve a high average, you'd think I'd want to maintain it. Meh.....
Anyways, I am heading back to bed for a few more hours of rest and a meditation. I don't feel anything at all. I feel like I'm drugged up on would-be-happy-pills....
Thanks for stopping by
XOXO
Hopeful 2day (MEH!!!!)
I don't understand why I'm not worried. I really should be because I worked so hard to achieve a high average, you'd think I'd want to maintain it. Meh.....
Anyways, I am heading back to bed for a few more hours of rest and a meditation. I don't feel anything at all. I feel like I'm drugged up on would-be-happy-pills....
Thanks for stopping by
XOXO
Hopeful 2day (MEH!!!!)
Sunday, June 27, 2010
SASSY SUNDAY
YAY! Thank you God for making a tomorrow. I woke up with a skip in my step, singing "Praise you like I should!". I dunno what song that is, but I was singing it....lol. *Sigh of relief* Okay so last night I decided I needed to mediate. I laid in bed, put on my relaxing CD, showed my bf how to breath and we mediated. It was phenomenal because he did it with me. Then we tried to make babies (it's been like 3 weeks) and those feelings of 'yuck is me' came in. I started crying, the poor guy just wanted to get laid...lol!!! I was a wreck and told him not to touch me so that he doesn't throw up..... lmfao! He just wanted booty, he wanted it so bad he couldn't wait, if you catch my drift, so he didn't/ couldn't! Then it was my turn and I have to say an orgasism a day, keeps the demons away. After, he just laid there holding me, loving me and reassuring me that "I AM BEAUTIFUL". What have I done to deserve such a good man?!?! He loved me all night long, a feeling I haven't felt in a little while. And this time, I let him.
He came over last night with a bunch of accessories from the UK so I am wearing a new pair of earrings and am feeling sassy and it's Sunday. I'm heading to my school's library and I'm going to finish most of my papers today, so that I can have time with my boyfriend this week. I feel good and optimistic, today is going to be an awesome day!
Thanks for stopping by....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day (for sure!)
He came over last night with a bunch of accessories from the UK so I am wearing a new pair of earrings and am feeling sassy and it's Sunday. I'm heading to my school's library and I'm going to finish most of my papers today, so that I can have time with my boyfriend this week. I feel good and optimistic, today is going to be an awesome day!
Thanks for stopping by....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day (for sure!)
FML
I am here again... I don't understand what's going on. The racing the thoughts the feeling of inadequacy. I am so embarrassed to be seen this way. My boyfriend is here and trying to be supportive, but I think he's freaked. I dunno what's going on .... this is the worst yet. I was told that my symptoms would increase as the THC leaves my system and that they would gradually subside. What am I supposed to do in the meantime... HELP me I'm going crazy!!!
FML I wish I wasn't here anymore or at least in this position. I refuse to give up on life as a whole... I can't remember I think it was Churchill who said "If you're going through hell, keep going!", well if this isn't hell then I dunno what is... FML!
Can't wait for tomorrow... hopefully my bf will still be here in the morning and not escape while I lay asleep, I know I would after the fit of rage (throwin his iphone and accusing him of cheating) to my sudden tear shedding (uncontrollable tears and me putting a blanket on my head to hide my shame). Oh what A life I lead... never a dull moment with me.
Thanks for stopping by...
XOXO
Hopeful 2day (Thank God there's tomorrow)
FML I wish I wasn't here anymore or at least in this position. I refuse to give up on life as a whole... I can't remember I think it was Churchill who said "If you're going through hell, keep going!", well if this isn't hell then I dunno what is... FML!
Can't wait for tomorrow... hopefully my bf will still be here in the morning and not escape while I lay asleep, I know I would after the fit of rage (throwin his iphone and accusing him of cheating) to my sudden tear shedding (uncontrollable tears and me putting a blanket on my head to hide my shame). Oh what A life I lead... never a dull moment with me.
Thanks for stopping by...
XOXO
Hopeful 2day (Thank God there's tomorrow)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
MOVEMENTS
So I finally got up off the couch and walked my dog. We went out for 45minutes. At first I was letting all 7lbs of her pull me down the sidewalk, but then she kept stopping every five seconds...it was gettin on my nerves. I think it's because earlier my boyfriend came back from a weeks vacation in England and I was excited. I was so excited that I looked up his return flight to know when I could text him. He called me from the car so it was obvious that he missed me too. That SOB wouldn't tell me that he missed, he kept sayin oh you missed me, you missed me that bad eh?!?! I lied and told him that things have been really rough without him and that I have been depressed and committed to the hospital because I missed him so much. My whole motive was to get him to come see me, so that I could get all my new clothes from the UK and finally feel an embrace from someone. It backfired to say the least... he just kept texting and saying "oh you missed me, I know you missed me but...." OMG I am going to snap. NO YOU A-HOLE I didn't miss you. I just want your body parts and my effin gifts then you can go home... I hate when he gets so self righteous like he is my everything. I know it's my fault, but I'm not that stupid to believe I can't do better or find more then him.
He's 31 works two jobs, has no time for me and lives with his mama...let's get real! I want more in every aspect of my life especially the one with him in it. I'm enraged by his narcissism. Oh GOD!!!!!!!!!
I'm so effin angry and frustrated FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!
Thanks for stopping by....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day (GRRRRRRRR!!!)
He's 31 works two jobs, has no time for me and lives with his mama...let's get real! I want more in every aspect of my life especially the one with him in it. I'm enraged by his narcissism. Oh GOD!!!!!!!!!
I'm so effin angry and frustrated FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!
Thanks for stopping by....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day (GRRRRRRRR!!!)
MY REALITY
Okay so I'm supposed to be writing a 15 page research paper and a 2page review paper which were due two weeks ago. I had originally gotten an extension until last week and got another until Monday. I just can't get myself to actually write the freakin M%$#a F&*$in thing! Holy this is ridiculous... somebody anybody help me... save me!!!! I've been on this couch all day doing nothing. My poor dog wants a walk and my back is killing, but I'm not moving somehow I've convinced myself that sitting here is better than moving. By sitting here I'm somehow showing my commitment to my work. The task has become to big and my concentration is none existent. Is it that I hate my courses or that I am just not smart enough? Is it that I'm so tired of failing that I want to fail?!?! No that doesn't make any freakin sense. I want to throw something into the wall beat my face on the ground I want to scream and punch someone in the face, anyone who walks by. The frustration is overwhelming me.... I have word vomit and I choke and gag on the curse words that rumble in my throat. URRRGH.... I hate this!!!
Am I just lazy? Or is this really ADHD?
Turomcomecome.... I dunno why but I often have words like this that I must expel from my throat. I never know what they mean or why they are there, but what I do know is if I don't expel them then something terrible will happen to us all... so do this with please...
Say Tur- rum-come-come... with me six times as loud as you can!!
TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME
I had to say it two more times because I had to... (I'm still saying it!)
What's the matter with me? God why why why why????????
Frig I'm a sailor so if you don't like cursing I'm sorry but it's a requirement for my daily functioning.
Any who...
Thanks for stopping by...
XOXO
Hopeful 2day (yea freakin right!)
Am I just lazy? Or is this really ADHD?
Turomcomecome.... I dunno why but I often have words like this that I must expel from my throat. I never know what they mean or why they are there, but what I do know is if I don't expel them then something terrible will happen to us all... so do this with please...
Say Tur- rum-come-come... with me six times as loud as you can!!
TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME TURRUMCOMECOME
I had to say it two more times because I had to... (I'm still saying it!)
What's the matter with me? God why why why why????????
Frig I'm a sailor so if you don't like cursing I'm sorry but it's a requirement for my daily functioning.
Any who...
Thanks for stopping by...
XOXO
Hopeful 2day (yea freakin right!)
MANIA?!?!
Here is another entry from my diary dated June 14th 2010....
So I feel great because today is the last day I plan to ever light or be around a spliff. I am going to light it and I managed to roll all my weed into one spliff. I am not in the least bit nervous. I actually feel a sense of excitement in the pit of my stomach and have the familiar presence of a smile in my cheeks. Although I am not currently smiling the feeling of happiness and calm linger. I am absolutely sure that it is time for a change. I feel great about my hair especially seeing Danielle yesterday and having her compliments rape my low self esteem with confidence. I deserve to be happy, I deserve more, I deserve this. Chrissy's proposal couldn't have come at a better time either (my cousin). It's time to challenge myself, see who I am and what I'm capable of. It's time to know me, the real me. I am here and ready now to live the life I've always wanted, but was too scared to hope for. To have the career I love and learn to dream beyond my reality, to see what could be instead of what is and make the impossible possible for me. I can't control the outcome of my life, but I can control my time, my energy and my commitments here on earth. What type of person do I want to be? How do I want to be remembered and what do I want them to say about me? It's time to embrace the fears and challenge myself to go beyond my scope and set my sights on the essence of hope!!!! I love me, I truly do and I know I'm blessed.... I've awakened as God is my witness, I've awakened and am here to stay. Take each day as they come and maximize my efforts to get things done... Here we go Project step up in two weeks!
Time to smoke and see how I feel or felt... I know I can do this I've been able to do what I thought I never could and haven't looked back. No smokes for me and now no more weed!!! If you're not happy then change something... I am! My self-worth and esteem... bye cigarettes, bye wigs, weave and self hatred, bye weed, MJ, Ganja, bye self-destructive behaviours and hello Better health, hello Self love and Acceptance, hello exercise, passion and creativity, hello ME!
This was one of those days where I was on top of the world and I tried to leak the happiness and confidence into my subconscious. Needless to say it worked at prolonging my happiness but depression came back as always.... She's such a Bitch!!!!
Thanks for stopping by....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
So I feel great because today is the last day I plan to ever light or be around a spliff. I am going to light it and I managed to roll all my weed into one spliff. I am not in the least bit nervous. I actually feel a sense of excitement in the pit of my stomach and have the familiar presence of a smile in my cheeks. Although I am not currently smiling the feeling of happiness and calm linger. I am absolutely sure that it is time for a change. I feel great about my hair especially seeing Danielle yesterday and having her compliments rape my low self esteem with confidence. I deserve to be happy, I deserve more, I deserve this. Chrissy's proposal couldn't have come at a better time either (my cousin). It's time to challenge myself, see who I am and what I'm capable of. It's time to know me, the real me. I am here and ready now to live the life I've always wanted, but was too scared to hope for. To have the career I love and learn to dream beyond my reality, to see what could be instead of what is and make the impossible possible for me. I can't control the outcome of my life, but I can control my time, my energy and my commitments here on earth. What type of person do I want to be? How do I want to be remembered and what do I want them to say about me? It's time to embrace the fears and challenge myself to go beyond my scope and set my sights on the essence of hope!!!! I love me, I truly do and I know I'm blessed.... I've awakened as God is my witness, I've awakened and am here to stay. Take each day as they come and maximize my efforts to get things done... Here we go Project step up in two weeks!
Time to smoke and see how I feel or felt... I know I can do this I've been able to do what I thought I never could and haven't looked back. No smokes for me and now no more weed!!! If you're not happy then change something... I am! My self-worth and esteem... bye cigarettes, bye wigs, weave and self hatred, bye weed, MJ, Ganja, bye self-destructive behaviours and hello Better health, hello Self love and Acceptance, hello exercise, passion and creativity, hello ME!
This was one of those days where I was on top of the world and I tried to leak the happiness and confidence into my subconscious. Needless to say it worked at prolonging my happiness but depression came back as always.... She's such a Bitch!!!!
Thanks for stopping by....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
MONKEY ON MY BACK
This is another entry from my diary dated June 13th, 2010.
She saved my life?!?!
My cousin called me today, which is very rare. I am no longer going to smoke weed. She said she missed me (this is the only part of the conversation with my cousin the rest are thoughts) and I know I'm going crazy. I've felt it for years, and everyone said I should stop, but I never made it a real requirement. (My mind was racing and all of these are my thoughts and not the conversation with my cousin). I started to Google and it said right there that prolonged use of cannabis can cause psychosis. I feel it, my thoughts race, I hate myself, my thoughts and views aren't real. I don't do my school work, I have no social interactions, really... I feel so horrible about myself and it's time to change this. I need to stop I'm going to throw it down the drain (weed). I hear you God, Don stopped selling weed for me to stop smoking it. (My dealer had recently stopped selling) I've been thinking, a lot of the things around me have been signs from God. Like me seeing Danielle the one day that I didn't put my wig on my head. I finally decided to go natural and she said "it looks so cute". For the first time I'm goin to take heed and throw out this weed and no more weaves. I want something different I gotta make those necessary steps. THROW OUT THE WEED!!!! I want just one more spliff... just one! How about I promise that after this I WILL NEVER SMOKE AGAIN!!!!???? We'll see... but thanks Chrissy!!!
I am going to be my own best friend and allow myself to mess up and not look back and not be mad or sorry or unforgiving. I will do me and I will do my best for what I have!!!!
My mind often races and I fight with my demons out loud through my writing... I will continue to share my thoughts and hope you can follow the conversation.
Thanks for stopping by....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
She saved my life?!?!
My cousin called me today, which is very rare. I am no longer going to smoke weed. She said she missed me (this is the only part of the conversation with my cousin the rest are thoughts) and I know I'm going crazy. I've felt it for years, and everyone said I should stop, but I never made it a real requirement. (My mind was racing and all of these are my thoughts and not the conversation with my cousin). I started to Google and it said right there that prolonged use of cannabis can cause psychosis. I feel it, my thoughts race, I hate myself, my thoughts and views aren't real. I don't do my school work, I have no social interactions, really... I feel so horrible about myself and it's time to change this. I need to stop I'm going to throw it down the drain (weed). I hear you God, Don stopped selling weed for me to stop smoking it. (My dealer had recently stopped selling) I've been thinking, a lot of the things around me have been signs from God. Like me seeing Danielle the one day that I didn't put my wig on my head. I finally decided to go natural and she said "it looks so cute". For the first time I'm goin to take heed and throw out this weed and no more weaves. I want something different I gotta make those necessary steps. THROW OUT THE WEED!!!! I want just one more spliff... just one! How about I promise that after this I WILL NEVER SMOKE AGAIN!!!!???? We'll see... but thanks Chrissy!!!
I am going to be my own best friend and allow myself to mess up and not look back and not be mad or sorry or unforgiving. I will do me and I will do my best for what I have!!!!
I smoked quite a bit after this entry, but am happy to say it's been over a week since my last spliff... YAY ME!!! I also smoked cigarettes for ten years and stopped that in February.
My mind often races and I fight with my demons out loud through my writing... I will continue to share my thoughts and hope you can follow the conversation.
Thanks for stopping by....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
MY BIRTHDAY
This is one of the many entries in my diary that I have made. It was from my birthday I want to share it with you all... this was two months ago!
It's two minutes past my 28th birthday and so far no wishes. Hmmmmmmmmm.... never thought I'd see twenty eight like this. I dunno how I got here, I isolate myself from the whole world so well that I can hide it from myself. I feel so alone. No Carla (my dog was away) to keep me sane and happy.... O I need to find solace in myself and know that I can make it on my own and adapt to any situation. It's going to take time but I will beat it... old habits die hard, but I promise that I will try harder to make friends and be more social. I just don't know how to choose and maybe I shouldn't. I am going to let the time pass and see who is still around and who I want to stay around. Happy Birthday to me and may my day be full of blessings. Thank you God for allowing me to see another birthday, another year in good health. Please help me to grow, overcome my challenges, be more social, trusting, and have friends.
My boyfriend is calling and it's 12:06am, my first text was at 12:05 from him. I didn't respond... it's for attention so he can feel sorry for me and give me more attention, the attention I crave. It's not fair to expect so much from him.... I love him and reject him... I'm going to work on me starting now and starting with responding to his texts. Here goes nothing.....
Oh and my license is officially expired....
That was the entry I made on the beginning of my birthday. Those were my thoughts and that was how I felt that day. I received no cake, no presents, and no attention. I hated that day. I went to a show with a friend of mine (who also is a manic depressive) and when it was over I got a call from my mother telling me I had to take my brother to turn himself in. (to the police) All I kept asking is how is it that I have to take him on my birthday when he has two parents and two sisters who live in the same city as him. Needless to say my birthday sucked royally and my boyfriend bought me two movies that I already owned. I don't know if these feelings had anything to do with how the day went, but what I do know is that for my 29th I am not going feel like this.
I am not a religious individual, but have a belief in a creator. I don't plan on pushing my ideas or beliefs on others and will welcome any and all spiritual or none spiritual belief systems.
Thanks for stopping by....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
It's two minutes past my 28th birthday and so far no wishes. Hmmmmmmmmm.... never thought I'd see twenty eight like this. I dunno how I got here, I isolate myself from the whole world so well that I can hide it from myself. I feel so alone. No Carla (my dog was away) to keep me sane and happy.... O I need to find solace in myself and know that I can make it on my own and adapt to any situation. It's going to take time but I will beat it... old habits die hard, but I promise that I will try harder to make friends and be more social. I just don't know how to choose and maybe I shouldn't. I am going to let the time pass and see who is still around and who I want to stay around. Happy Birthday to me and may my day be full of blessings. Thank you God for allowing me to see another birthday, another year in good health. Please help me to grow, overcome my challenges, be more social, trusting, and have friends.
My boyfriend is calling and it's 12:06am, my first text was at 12:05 from him. I didn't respond... it's for attention so he can feel sorry for me and give me more attention, the attention I crave. It's not fair to expect so much from him.... I love him and reject him... I'm going to work on me starting now and starting with responding to his texts. Here goes nothing.....
Oh and my license is officially expired....
That was the entry I made on the beginning of my birthday. Those were my thoughts and that was how I felt that day. I received no cake, no presents, and no attention. I hated that day. I went to a show with a friend of mine (who also is a manic depressive) and when it was over I got a call from my mother telling me I had to take my brother to turn himself in. (to the police) All I kept asking is how is it that I have to take him on my birthday when he has two parents and two sisters who live in the same city as him. Needless to say my birthday sucked royally and my boyfriend bought me two movies that I already owned. I don't know if these feelings had anything to do with how the day went, but what I do know is that for my 29th I am not going feel like this.
I am not a religious individual, but have a belief in a creator. I don't plan on pushing my ideas or beliefs on others and will welcome any and all spiritual or none spiritual belief systems.
Thanks for stopping by....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
ABOUT ME
I am a 28 year old female who has been living with signs of mental illness since the age of fifteen. I have attempted suicide several times as a teenager, one of my many failures throughout my life. I also ventured in some self mutilation as a practiced cutter and overtly phonetic piercer. I have jumped out of a window, spent a few hours in jail, been in several physical altercations, and have an astronomical amount of broken relationships. YAY, isn't life grand?!?!
So... about me now, well I am in my trillionth year of university, which has expelled me twice, and I only have half the necessary credits to graduate. My life has been a perplexed adventure of discovery, defeat, and failures. Yet, my optimism, when it comes to visit, is scantily affected by 'failure' and only sees lessons learnt. Oh to understand myself is my ultimate purpose in life and to overcome the adversity that is my state of mind.
Now to get to the nitty gritty, my diagnosis.... HA! What a funny concept, to think I have A diagnosis. Hmmmm... where to begin? Well I have seen counsellors, family doctors, therapists, a psychiatrist (one time), and psychologists. I have been to many mental health clinics and institutes, including the hospital. Each person I saw offered me a different diagnosis, as I made a point not to volunteer any previous assessments. So for the list... *Ahem*
1. Borderline Personality Disorder
2. ADHD
3. Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder
4. Depression
5. Anxiety
6. Slight Psychosis
7. Dependent Disorder (huh!!?)
These are the recurring diagnosis that I have received and have been on two medications, neither of which I took regularly. I was first given Sertraline and had an allergic reaction to it, so I was put on Cypralex. It's still in the boxes... Why you might ask?! Well because I don't believe in medication as a long term solution and that's what I'm looking for. Not a quick fix. I don't want to be treated with pills, I want to have my mind changed and learn to perceive and understand why I think the way I do as well as how to change it. I want to learn how to think differently, like everybody else. I know what you're thinking, but I am not normal, so 'everyone else' refers to normal functioning. Anywho, to me medication doesn't solve the issue (or in my case issues), but simply masks them. I believe in the power of the mind and know in my heart of hearts it can be fixed without pills.
Anyways, I hope you come along my rollercoaster of emotions, endure my hardships, and be the friends that I so deeply desire.
Thanks for stopping by...
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
So... about me now, well I am in my trillionth year of university, which has expelled me twice, and I only have half the necessary credits to graduate. My life has been a perplexed adventure of discovery, defeat, and failures. Yet, my optimism, when it comes to visit, is scantily affected by 'failure' and only sees lessons learnt. Oh to understand myself is my ultimate purpose in life and to overcome the adversity that is my state of mind.
Now to get to the nitty gritty, my diagnosis.... HA! What a funny concept, to think I have A diagnosis. Hmmmm... where to begin? Well I have seen counsellors, family doctors, therapists, a psychiatrist (one time), and psychologists. I have been to many mental health clinics and institutes, including the hospital. Each person I saw offered me a different diagnosis, as I made a point not to volunteer any previous assessments. So for the list... *Ahem*
1. Borderline Personality Disorder
2. ADHD
3. Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder
4. Depression
5. Anxiety
6. Slight Psychosis
7. Dependent Disorder (huh!!?)
These are the recurring diagnosis that I have received and have been on two medications, neither of which I took regularly. I was first given Sertraline and had an allergic reaction to it, so I was put on Cypralex. It's still in the boxes... Why you might ask?! Well because I don't believe in medication as a long term solution and that's what I'm looking for. Not a quick fix. I don't want to be treated with pills, I want to have my mind changed and learn to perceive and understand why I think the way I do as well as how to change it. I want to learn how to think differently, like everybody else. I know what you're thinking, but I am not normal, so 'everyone else' refers to normal functioning. Anywho, to me medication doesn't solve the issue (or in my case issues), but simply masks them. I believe in the power of the mind and know in my heart of hearts it can be fixed without pills.
Anyways, I hope you come along my rollercoaster of emotions, endure my hardships, and be the friends that I so deeply desire.
Thanks for stopping by...
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
INTRODUCTIONS
Hello Everyone,
I have decided to expose my inner most demons, thoughts, and desires to hopefully enlighten others and myself to a very real epidemic that is mental health disorders.
I am not here to throw out a list of facts regarding the disorders nor am I here to share statistics. I am here to share the side that is rarely heard. I plan on keeping this blog as my diary to share what a day in the life of someone like me is. For more information on me and what mental disorders I am currently afflicked with go to my "about me" section. Thanks for stopping by...
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
I have decided to expose my inner most demons, thoughts, and desires to hopefully enlighten others and myself to a very real epidemic that is mental health disorders.
I am not here to throw out a list of facts regarding the disorders nor am I here to share statistics. I am here to share the side that is rarely heard. I plan on keeping this blog as my diary to share what a day in the life of someone like me is. For more information on me and what mental disorders I am currently afflicked with go to my "about me" section. Thanks for stopping by...
XOXO
Hopeful 2day
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