A NEW LEAF

So I've been trying to take control of my own life since the change of the year; I managed to quit smoking cigarettes, cut out weed and recently started working out regularly and attending church. Now, I am certainly not the most religious person, as it is clear from my lack of biblical knowledge, however, I am not spiritual either. The reasons for one's desire to seek out a religious following may differ exponentially, but mine is very simple... for me it boils down to FAITH-- I have none!

I want to learn how to truly believe things will get better and how to move forward without the month long depression first. I want to be able to speak openly and honestly with someone and have no fear of judgements. I know, I know, it's crazy, but I am finding that it helps, A LOT! I started attending a Christian church and although, much of the congregation seem like mindless drones, the messages are clear:

'Do not take offense'- This was the first lesson.

Offense is not something that is given it is something that is received. It is not what or how someone speaks to you that allows you to take offense. It's the conscious decision you make when you receive that person's words. Many people are capable of brushing things off, so why can't I? In the end I'm the one who is left upset. So let's ALL try to take every one's hateration as a glass of kool-aid and move on to bigger and more important things like... how WE perceive OURSELVES!!!! That's the real offense. Many of us are constantly throwing insults at ourselves, "oh I'm so fat, gosh I'm dumb, no one likes me, etc." Consider how much more damaging that is to your psyche?!?! You are constantly with yourself so it's about time you learn to act as your own best friend and offer yourself words of encouragement from the simplest "Good job, I got out of bed today." to a "Damn I am lookin fly today!" and speak these words out loud to yourself in front of a mirror, trust me it'll be worth it. You will feel a shift in your mood as you begin to believe it and feel it.

The second lesson was on relationships:

It was about how deception is in every family and the damages it can have. The pastor also spoke about the effects of child favouritism in a sibling relationship. I know the results first hand, but I won't get into it. Anyway, the message was basically that although people may treat you different from other family members or friends, stay true to yourself. Be a good person and don't allow yourself to compromise who you are as an individual to fit into some one's good graces. Be the best you, you can be in any and every situation. Do your absolute best at any task no matter how small, meaningless or unpleasant... Just do YOUR best. In the end it'll be worth it. The reference here was the story of Joseph and his 11 brothers, it's in Genesis somewhere I think, but the reason I knew this was because I had the pleasure of seeing Donny Osmond in JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOUR DREAM COAT!!!! "Go-go-go Joseph you know what they saaaaaaaaaaay, hang on now Joseph you'll make it someday. Go-go-go Joseph you're doing fine you and your dream coat are a head of your time!" (Yes I was singing it, if you've seen the play you understand why! It was 1994 lol!) Loved it... I also enjoyed knowing what was going on for a brief moment in church.

I enjoy the life lessons and the clarity that I can get from church and the pastor's sermons, I also enjoy being in a place where I felt no judgements. I enjoy church and the few friends I made. My first day my auntie introduced me to a girl and I knew someone else from high school, so I had two acquaintances. Well the next Wednesday the girl invited me to her Church BBQ on the following Saturday(17th). At first I was like ummmmmmmmm...... me? What the Heck am I gonna have in common with these Chuchy people!?!?! All my skirts are above my knee, I enjoy sex...regularly! I like to party and wine up my waist on a man or two, what can I possibly do at this BBQ?! Still I have a saying that I heard from Sandra Bullock many many years ago and it stuck "Anything that scares you is worth doing!" and so I went. It turned out to be a fantastic experience I had a lot of laughs made a lot of friends and the girl who held the BBQ opened up about her demons to me. Let's just say my drug problem and my bipolar disorder is a walk in the park in comparison. This reality check was extra mental and I am truly glad I went and am even happier that I went alone!

The experience of going somewhere alone made me realize that I don't need my crappy boyfriend (who wouldn't come!) to do things with me! The next day I went to the movies alone I went to Silver City at 10:45pm and saw Despicable Me and today I saw Sex in the City 2. I have decided that I can do anything I want without anyone, but me. It's amazing to build such a confidence in a brief period of time. My boyfriend works a lot and got three days off, he didn't call me for those days nor see me because he was changing over his engine.... I dunno if I had the right to be upset, but I was and still am mad. I am tired of being his option while making him such a priority! I'm done with that and have avoided his calls all day. I need to learn how to be alone and enjoy my own company. It feels FANTASTIC!!!

The last changes I made recently are working out hardcore and taking prenatal vitamins (not preggers, just need the higher dosage of vitamins). I have been doing boxing, muay thai, jiu jitsu, yoga and a women's fit class.... Let's just say I'm diesed and I lost about seven pounds so far. I hope I can keep up all of my changes and plan on documenting them on here. The reason I am making all of these changes is to help regulate my moods and to take control of my illness without being drugged up. I want my life back and it's about time I go out and get it. I'm tired of waiting for some doctor to bring it back to me, when I can just reach out and grab bits and pieces of it myself....

Here's to hoping!!!!

Thanks for stopping by....


XOXO

Hopeful 2day (2morrow and always!)

Am I manic?