HOSPTIALIZATION

So it's been awhile since I've blogged...

I was suicidal the last time I was on here and was definitely close to downing my pills... I took a few just to numb myself from the heaviness that was weighing on me. I knew something was wrong and as someone who lives alone in a city where no one I trust is near, it's a miracle that I'm here.

I called my bestie to vent and say bye and instantly she knew something was wrong. It was so difficult for me to talk because I'm someone who can't (try not to) show any sign of weakness. I was trying to control my tears, to hold back the shaking in my voice, but it was impossible. The lump in my throat was so large I was choking on it, it created a tightness in my throat that permeated down into my back.... I couldn't even sit up to hold the phone because it required too much energy. All I could do was mutter some self destructing words and hang up before she recognized my deficiency. I remember staring at my little shipoo and asking her to hold me and help me. She gazed up at me with her big brown eyes, full of sorrow, and rested her little head on my hand, which lay on the ground. That single gesture saved my life! It was at that moment that I knew something would miss me and know I was gone...

In the meantime, my best friend/woman (a pet name I have for her!) called me back desperate to talk me out of my feelings. You see, the benefit of having a friend who suffers with a mental illness is that she knows when you're serious. I don't remember much else... I just know my bf came back and I had already taking a pill so I passed out and woke up to my woman sitting beside me on my bed. I can't thank her enough, not necessarily for calling my bf and sending him back, nor for counseling us both through the difficult time, not even for driving the two hours it took her to get to my house, or taking me to the hospital and then sleeping over at my house, or for calling and telling my eldest sister(who called 1000s of times to ensure I was alright!), although I am enternally grateful for those things; the true extent of my gratitude falls in her reminding me and showing me that someone cares. I truly am blessed with great people in my life, it's just difficult to remember sometimes....

Oh ya, hospital... so my woman drove me to the hospital where we waited six hours for the doctor to send me home because by the time he got to me I was feeling fine. My moods switch quite often and it's difficult to regulate. Also, I happened to go on a really busy night as the hospital was filled with mental patients, who made me feel so normal. One woman, clearly on something, had to be strapped down to the stretcher and still managed to move and struggle so much the thing started to move. Not to mention her yelling which shrieked through the corridors.... OMG and I also met a young girl who was the only family in the entire country to her schizophrenic uncle. To make matters worse she lived two hours away from where we were and her uncle was a pharmacist. This meant he was very familiar with ALL medications and was not open to taking any, as to him he had no problem. This girl looked so desperate and tired, I felt so bad for her.....

Needless to say, the mental health preventative care, treatment facilities, and urgent care... heck the whole mental health industry is in desperate need of an overhaul.


This is a long post...

Thanks for stopping by...


XOXO

Hopeful 2day