I took my pill last night, well I haven't slept so two nights ago and slept until 3pm yesterday! Crazy!!! I never sleep for more then five hours let alone thirteen. OMG! I woke up angry because I missed my class and slept through majority of the day. Only problem was I couldn't be angry because I was so weak. I felt dizzy too and it was impossible to get up. I remembered all my dreams from the night or morning... iunno! I felt weird throughout the day, kinda strange not happy or sad or anything really. I can't explain the reason for it, because I only took like 1/4 of the Seroquel XR 150mg as the doctor recommended. Is it possible for the drug to work that quickly?
Anyways, I did my hair yesterday till this morning from like 4pm to 5am (with several breaks)... love it so easy to do now! Also, since my 'diagnosis' my bf has been MIA...he's such a piece of dodo and I know this, but I always find a reason to stay. Truth be told I stay because I don't think anyone worth while is going to put up with my antics. I have a lot of friends who claim to want me, but truth be told they really don't know me. In fact very few people really know me. I have become such an expert at hiding my 'disease' that no one knows its true extent. I emailed my poem to my cousin/best friend who is also a manic depressive and she was all weird about it. Sayin "OMG you should show this to your doctor". "I had no idea your were going through so much!", in my mind I'm like where the eff have you been!?! Then I started thinking and realizing that before I have a full blown episode I hide, or I save it for a "safe" environment or relationship. One that I know can't easily be broken because there is something for the other person to lose. Like my boyfriend... I wonder if I have control over my emotions, more than I give myself credit for. Because I do put on the biggest facade for others....
Anyhoo, I also told my bf that I took all my pills tonight, because he had the nerve to say, in a text, "I feel like kicking the shit out of you right now maybe the will get ride if you bipolar disorder"... I told you he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but you get the idea. How mutha fuckin dare he, who the hell does he think he is!?! This dude has lymphedema and I've never said anything bad about it. I was disgusted by his comment and don't know if I'll forgive him. It's like he wants to break up, but wants me to do it. It's obvious he thinks I'm not going anywhere and the truth is I'm not. Who will want such a fucked up human being. I'm crying one minute, threatening to kill the next, and then back again.... *la sigh* Woe is me....
Oh ya and today will be my first class attended all week, and the last. (no class Fridays)
Anyways...
Thanks for stopping by....
XOXO
Hopeful 2day (I hate this name!)
What sucks is when you talk about mental illness with other people who don't suffer from it, they look down on you. They think that you are just weak-minded, lazy, or have no will power. I don't think "kicking the shit" out of you is an understanding view on your problems. It's like telling an alcoholic just don't drink...it's a little more complicated than that. To get results you can't get by with mental illness on sheer will (as some people think)...I feel your you frustration.
ReplyDeleteHey A.O.K,
ReplyDeleteI checked out your blog, very cute... "any idiot can do this!" Hence me shoot any mental case can too for that matter...
Yea my BF ended up coming to give me an intervention and attempted to buy my love by spending hundreds of dollars on me... shit it worked!
No one really knows about my mental illness, not even my family... I am truly an expert at hiding it! I guess I am scared of the stigma associated with coming out!
Seroquel worked fucking quickly on me! Made me dizzy and slept 22 hours a day - nice change from insomnia but not very helpful! I remembered all my dreams and had difficulty distinguishing them from real life.
ReplyDelete