HAS IT ALMOST BEEN A YEAR ALREADY!?!?!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written on my blog. I have taken a hiatus, but not purposefully. I have been in school since September, which has me on an emotional roller coaster. I am still experiencing such difficulties focusing on the most basic things and it's like no one truly understands. I am exhausted.... I found my diary from 2001 and guess what! I have the same hopes and dreams as I do now. I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING! Do you know what that's like? Do you have any idea how ready I am to just call this whole thing quits? I don't know what to do or where I can go for help. My effin psychologist is a joke and has offered me absolutely nothing in terms of help. I'm so tired and heavy... sigh!

Anyways, I did not come back to rant per se, it just came out that way. To be honest things had been going relatively well all year, well at least in terms of my marks. I did take about a month off for Xmas break and had to miss a few exams...still I was able to recover. I recently took just over a month off now. I came up for reading week and never went back. Over the break a cousin of mine committed suicide. I didn't know how to feel at first, but then it was just shock. I didn't believe it and couldn't believe it because he was just a year younger than me. After a few hours I felt jealous. I was so jealous of his bravery, of where he was, of how sorry he had made everyone, and of how he let them know he was hurting. That feeling didn't last too long because then the anger came and was washed away by a wave of sadness.... I've been drowning in it ever since....

Thanks for stopping by....


XOXO

Hopeful2day

I'M LOST!

Do you remember being a small child in the store with your mother and something caught your eye so you became distracted by it. Then next thing you know your mother is gone! Do you remember that sense of panic that flopped around in your stomach as you began to scan the area looking for her. That intense fear rising up in your throat as you realize she's gone!?! Well that's exactly how I feel about my life! What happened? I lay awake at night, almost every night, wondering how to regain control of my life. My ultimate goals. My career, my marriage, my family, my life! When is going to start and how is it going to start?

I'll be 30 in two years and I have no sense of direction. I have no idea what I want or how to figure it out. I google relentlessly and self reflect all the time, so far nothing has worked. I don't know if I've given up on my own potential! I've struggled so much in the last ten years and I can't believe how much time I feel like I've wasted. I know living in the past is not helpful, yet I can't seem to get past my mistakes. I should be grateful for the learning experience, but I feel like nothing has changed with all these acquired lessons. I always end up in the exact same place. How can I move beyond my failures and figure out what I want and how to go out and get it. My life is currently full of distractions and unhealthy relationships; I think I do this on purpose to hide from my issues. It's time to make changes and I know this. The question is, where do I begin?

It's 5:30am and I have a meeting with my academic advisor in 5hours to discuss the upcoming fall/winter school year. I should be sleeping or using this time to research my degree options and classes, but I don't know if I should go back. I don't know what I want!!! S.O.S.

I feel like I'm falling fast farther and farther into a deep hole with only a rope to hold onto. I need someone to grab a hold of the other end and help me pull myself up. I definitely can't do this alone, my arms are too weak from holding on....

HELP ME!!!!

*sigh* Where can I go for help?

Thanks for stopping by....

XOXO

Hopeful 2day

A NEW LEAF

So I've been trying to take control of my own life since the change of the year; I managed to quit smoking cigarettes, cut out weed and recently started working out regularly and attending church. Now, I am certainly not the most religious person, as it is clear from my lack of biblical knowledge, however, I am not spiritual either. The reasons for one's desire to seek out a religious following may differ exponentially, but mine is very simple... for me it boils down to FAITH-- I have none!

I want to learn how to truly believe things will get better and how to move forward without the month long depression first. I want to be able to speak openly and honestly with someone and have no fear of judgements. I know, I know, it's crazy, but I am finding that it helps, A LOT! I started attending a Christian church and although, much of the congregation seem like mindless drones, the messages are clear:

'Do not take offense'- This was the first lesson.

Offense is not something that is given it is something that is received. It is not what or how someone speaks to you that allows you to take offense. It's the conscious decision you make when you receive that person's words. Many people are capable of brushing things off, so why can't I? In the end I'm the one who is left upset. So let's ALL try to take every one's hateration as a glass of kool-aid and move on to bigger and more important things like... how WE perceive OURSELVES!!!! That's the real offense. Many of us are constantly throwing insults at ourselves, "oh I'm so fat, gosh I'm dumb, no one likes me, etc." Consider how much more damaging that is to your psyche?!?! You are constantly with yourself so it's about time you learn to act as your own best friend and offer yourself words of encouragement from the simplest "Good job, I got out of bed today." to a "Damn I am lookin fly today!" and speak these words out loud to yourself in front of a mirror, trust me it'll be worth it. You will feel a shift in your mood as you begin to believe it and feel it.

The second lesson was on relationships:

It was about how deception is in every family and the damages it can have. The pastor also spoke about the effects of child favouritism in a sibling relationship. I know the results first hand, but I won't get into it. Anyway, the message was basically that although people may treat you different from other family members or friends, stay true to yourself. Be a good person and don't allow yourself to compromise who you are as an individual to fit into some one's good graces. Be the best you, you can be in any and every situation. Do your absolute best at any task no matter how small, meaningless or unpleasant... Just do YOUR best. In the end it'll be worth it. The reference here was the story of Joseph and his 11 brothers, it's in Genesis somewhere I think, but the reason I knew this was because I had the pleasure of seeing Donny Osmond in JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOUR DREAM COAT!!!! "Go-go-go Joseph you know what they saaaaaaaaaaay, hang on now Joseph you'll make it someday. Go-go-go Joseph you're doing fine you and your dream coat are a head of your time!" (Yes I was singing it, if you've seen the play you understand why! It was 1994 lol!) Loved it... I also enjoyed knowing what was going on for a brief moment in church.

I enjoy the life lessons and the clarity that I can get from church and the pastor's sermons, I also enjoy being in a place where I felt no judgements. I enjoy church and the few friends I made. My first day my auntie introduced me to a girl and I knew someone else from high school, so I had two acquaintances. Well the next Wednesday the girl invited me to her Church BBQ on the following Saturday(17th). At first I was like ummmmmmmmm...... me? What the Heck am I gonna have in common with these Chuchy people!?!?! All my skirts are above my knee, I enjoy sex...regularly! I like to party and wine up my waist on a man or two, what can I possibly do at this BBQ?! Still I have a saying that I heard from Sandra Bullock many many years ago and it stuck "Anything that scares you is worth doing!" and so I went. It turned out to be a fantastic experience I had a lot of laughs made a lot of friends and the girl who held the BBQ opened up about her demons to me. Let's just say my drug problem and my bipolar disorder is a walk in the park in comparison. This reality check was extra mental and I am truly glad I went and am even happier that I went alone!

The experience of going somewhere alone made me realize that I don't need my crappy boyfriend (who wouldn't come!) to do things with me! The next day I went to the movies alone I went to Silver City at 10:45pm and saw Despicable Me and today I saw Sex in the City 2. I have decided that I can do anything I want without anyone, but me. It's amazing to build such a confidence in a brief period of time. My boyfriend works a lot and got three days off, he didn't call me for those days nor see me because he was changing over his engine.... I dunno if I had the right to be upset, but I was and still am mad. I am tired of being his option while making him such a priority! I'm done with that and have avoided his calls all day. I need to learn how to be alone and enjoy my own company. It feels FANTASTIC!!!

The last changes I made recently are working out hardcore and taking prenatal vitamins (not preggers, just need the higher dosage of vitamins). I have been doing boxing, muay thai, jiu jitsu, yoga and a women's fit class.... Let's just say I'm diesed and I lost about seven pounds so far. I hope I can keep up all of my changes and plan on documenting them on here. The reason I am making all of these changes is to help regulate my moods and to take control of my illness without being drugged up. I want my life back and it's about time I go out and get it. I'm tired of waiting for some doctor to bring it back to me, when I can just reach out and grab bits and pieces of it myself....

Here's to hoping!!!!

Thanks for stopping by....


XOXO

Hopeful 2day (2morrow and always!)

Am I manic?

HOSPTIALIZATION

So it's been awhile since I've blogged...

I was suicidal the last time I was on here and was definitely close to downing my pills... I took a few just to numb myself from the heaviness that was weighing on me. I knew something was wrong and as someone who lives alone in a city where no one I trust is near, it's a miracle that I'm here.

I called my bestie to vent and say bye and instantly she knew something was wrong. It was so difficult for me to talk because I'm someone who can't (try not to) show any sign of weakness. I was trying to control my tears, to hold back the shaking in my voice, but it was impossible. The lump in my throat was so large I was choking on it, it created a tightness in my throat that permeated down into my back.... I couldn't even sit up to hold the phone because it required too much energy. All I could do was mutter some self destructing words and hang up before she recognized my deficiency. I remember staring at my little shipoo and asking her to hold me and help me. She gazed up at me with her big brown eyes, full of sorrow, and rested her little head on my hand, which lay on the ground. That single gesture saved my life! It was at that moment that I knew something would miss me and know I was gone...

In the meantime, my best friend/woman (a pet name I have for her!) called me back desperate to talk me out of my feelings. You see, the benefit of having a friend who suffers with a mental illness is that she knows when you're serious. I don't remember much else... I just know my bf came back and I had already taking a pill so I passed out and woke up to my woman sitting beside me on my bed. I can't thank her enough, not necessarily for calling my bf and sending him back, nor for counseling us both through the difficult time, not even for driving the two hours it took her to get to my house, or taking me to the hospital and then sleeping over at my house, or for calling and telling my eldest sister(who called 1000s of times to ensure I was alright!), although I am enternally grateful for those things; the true extent of my gratitude falls in her reminding me and showing me that someone cares. I truly am blessed with great people in my life, it's just difficult to remember sometimes....

Oh ya, hospital... so my woman drove me to the hospital where we waited six hours for the doctor to send me home because by the time he got to me I was feeling fine. My moods switch quite often and it's difficult to regulate. Also, I happened to go on a really busy night as the hospital was filled with mental patients, who made me feel so normal. One woman, clearly on something, had to be strapped down to the stretcher and still managed to move and struggle so much the thing started to move. Not to mention her yelling which shrieked through the corridors.... OMG and I also met a young girl who was the only family in the entire country to her schizophrenic uncle. To make matters worse she lived two hours away from where we were and her uncle was a pharmacist. This meant he was very familiar with ALL medications and was not open to taking any, as to him he had no problem. This girl looked so desperate and tired, I felt so bad for her.....

Needless to say, the mental health preventative care, treatment facilities, and urgent care... heck the whole mental health industry is in desperate need of an overhaul.


This is a long post...

Thanks for stopping by...


XOXO

Hopeful 2day

SUICIDE

The thoughts are not racing, but instead taking a long steady road to destruction. There are a few pits stops and a lot of scenic routes, but inevitably it's following the same map as the racing thoughts. This time I am able to clearly think and understand what it is that I ultimately want.... TO NOT BE HERE ANY LONGER! *sigh*

What a relief death would bring, no more worries, no more hurting, no more broken relationships.... and especially no more trying to please everyone, including myself. I have exceptionally high expectations for myself. I set a standard that can't be reached only to allow myself to plummet head first into a mass heap of failure. I'm tired of being here, no one likes me, no one cares about me... shit I doubt they'd notice I was gone!

I'm over this...

Thanks for stopping by...

XOXO

Hopeful 2day (brings death!)

I TOOK MY PILLS

I took my pill last night, well I haven't slept so two nights ago and slept until 3pm yesterday! Crazy!!! I never sleep for more then five hours let alone thirteen. OMG! I woke up angry because I missed my class and slept through majority of the day. Only problem was I couldn't be angry because I was so weak. I felt dizzy too and it was impossible to get up. I remembered all my dreams from the night or morning... iunno! I felt weird throughout the day, kinda strange not happy or sad or anything really. I can't explain the reason for it, because I only took like 1/4 of the Seroquel XR 150mg as the doctor recommended. Is it possible for the drug to work that quickly?

Anyways, I did my hair yesterday till this morning from like 4pm to 5am (with several breaks)... love it so easy to do now! Also, since my 'diagnosis' my bf has been MIA...he's such a piece of dodo and I know this, but I always find a reason to stay. Truth be told I stay because I don't think anyone worth while is going to put up with my antics. I have a lot of friends who claim to want me, but truth be told they really don't know me. In fact very few people really know me. I have become such an expert at hiding my 'disease' that no one knows its true extent. I emailed my poem to my cousin/best friend who is also a manic depressive and she was all weird about it. Sayin "OMG you should show this to your doctor". "I had no idea your were going through so much!", in my mind I'm like where the eff have you been!?! Then I started thinking and realizing that before I have a full blown episode I hide, or I save it for a "safe" environment or relationship. One that I know can't easily be broken because there is something for the other person to lose. Like my boyfriend... I wonder if I have control over my emotions, more than I give myself credit for. Because I do put on the biggest facade for others....

Anyhoo, I also told my bf that I took all my pills tonight, because he had the nerve to say, in a text, "I feel like kicking the shit out of you right now maybe the will get ride if you bipolar disorder"... I told you he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but you get the idea. How mutha fuckin dare he, who the hell does he think he is!?! This dude has lymphedema and I've never said anything bad about it. I was disgusted by his comment and don't know if I'll forgive him. It's like he wants to break up, but wants me to do it. It's obvious he thinks I'm not going anywhere and the truth is I'm not. Who will want such a fucked up human being. I'm crying one minute, threatening to kill the next, and then back again.... *la sigh* Woe is me....

Oh ya and today will be my first class attended all week, and the last. (no class Fridays)

Anyways...

Thanks for stopping by....

XOXO


Hopeful 2day (I hate this name!)

BIPOLAR POEM

I dunno where this came from... I just started writing without thinking and this is what came out of me!!!

Bipolar...Bipolar...Bipolar...Bipolar...Bipolar...Bipolar

It rings like a song in my head, spinning around in my mind making a rhythmic tune that only I can Salsa to. I get up happy jumping around, but the littlest change makes me frown. I fuss and I fight the whole day through, wondering why and how and who, can bare such a life full of nothing but strife. It's just not fair! Doesn't anyone care? I wonder how long before they notice I'm dead? This question plays out, like a constant in my head. It's hopeless for me the whole day through, I wish someone could help me, maybe it's you! I'm done with this shit, it's fucking driving me crazy, I just want to grow up to be called a lady. My boyfriend doesn't care the relationship is over; he's capable of leaving without a need for closure. He leaves one great big tear, right through my heart, with a dull blade and soon the blood will start. It pours out of my soul staining me red, from head to toe, don't worry I'll soon be dead... from the force of this dull blade... no peace, no serenity, no cover of shade. It's over now, my life... the darkness rushes in pushing harder on the knife, till it splits my soul like a bullet leaves a hole; only this one is permanent never to heal, with each coming episode this is how I feel. But one thing that remains true, to be a constant reminder of all my blue, are the empty seats in every pew. There's no shade of gray, come on, or else I'd stay! I'm bitter, battered, and torn; whithered, broken, tired, and worn. Just leave me alone, but never forget this, it's called bipolar disorder or 'a life not to miss.....'

If he should leave me I'm in a room full of darkness, no sound, no light, no hope! It's just me and my thoughts, they batter and bruise me, hitting left and right beneath the shadows that move me. I can't see a thing, nor do I want to... no house...no kids...no ring!

Thanks for stopping by...

XOXO

Hopeful 2day (that there is tomorrow!)